The BJ Guidelines

1. No BJs on an one night stand (or with someone you're hardly acquainted with). I am a firm believer that you need to know someone well before you get all up close and personal with their dick. You need to know them well enough that you're at least aware of their hygiene habits. Are they using the triangle method? Are they trimmed or growing wild? You go down there and find a piece of popcorn chilling in their pubes, what do you do!? You need to know! If all else fails, resort to the Dip & Sniff. If they nasty, get out now. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200. You go back down to that hotel bar and find someone else to make that rent money! Okay!?

2. The dick is in your mouth. You're in control. This is self-explanatory. There is nothing I hate more than a guy directing me like we're on the set of Busty Babes 9: Less Busty But Perky. Don't tell me what to do. I'm experienced. Just sit back and enjoy. Thanks.

3. Cum. Where does it go? Not the hell in, on, or around me that's for sure! I hate it. HATE it. I don't know where I went wrong in my hoe days, but this is the one thing I never enjoyed. Do you swallow? Do you sit back and open your mouth, letting him cum on your face? Are you one of those girls who lets him cum on your chest and then proceeds to massage your tits and lick your lips? Well... kudos to you. You go girl!

4. Deep-throating. When? Solely special occasions. And by special occasions, I'm talking 10 year anniversaries or any event that involves money. A raise, a bonus, a sweepstakes win, a diamond. When else would you want a dick blocking your airway?

5. Hit him with the combo. Do I actually enjoy having a penis in my mouth? No. Hell no. Do I enjoy pleasing my man? Yes. That is what it's all about. But do I want to get it over with as fast as possible? Duh. I always recommend the blowjob/handjob combo. It is very effective and reduces the blowjob duration by 80%. Try it!

These are pretty much all of my guidelines. I hope you've learned something here today!  Now, go out there and suck some dick, ladies! Make me proud!

The Way I See Her

This came about after reading a random girl's profile on Tumblr. She writes, "I don't like 'about me's'. They paint a picture colored in black and  white. The way we see ourselves. It is either we are too perfect or too imperfect. The truth is, we can be very wrong..." I agree with her, so I asked my fiancé if he would write an "about me" for me. This is the result.

Written by Thomas Clarke on December 27, 2010

It's lunch time, and I am waiting anxiously at the bar of a restuarant for a girl I had only seen a wallet-sized picture of. A girl, encouraged by her mother to meet me. "You'd be perfect for each other," is what she told us both. Well, I am a man of punctuality; embedded in me by the Army. She is a woman who sees no crime in being fashionably late. No, actually, this wasn't the reason for her lateness, but as I've come to know her, it is very true.

Everything about her is perfect. I see her walking across the room. An all white dress, heels, and hair perfectly in place as I sit here in my fatigues with a buzz cut. Without saying a word, she walks up, takes the seat beside me and  takes a moment to place her things in the chair beside her. She finally turns to me, smiles and simply asks, "are you TJ?" I'm not really sure if I mustered a yes or even a nod because in that moment I was just glad that yes, I am TJ.

Now the phrases "most beautiful woman in the world" and "a smile that will light up a room" are often misused and overused, but I swear to you in that moment I knew her smile would light up my world and that she was and for the rest of my life be the most beautiful woman I'd ever see.

Kelly is the kindest, most loving person I know. I would be extremely surprised if she had any enemies. She is always smiling and is not content unless everyone around her is happy. She's not afraid to be silly. The girl doing the running man in the middle of a crowded dance floor; that is Kelly. Loving her was never really an option for me. It was intuitive. Always a part of my being.

Another phrase: "the luckiest man in the world." That is me. On June 11, 2011, in less than six months, I will marry this girl: the daughter I'd be perfect for, the most beautiful woman in my world who's smile lights up every room. These months cannot go by fast enough.

Now you're probably wondering about the rest of our blind date and you'd probably think it safe to assume it was successful, but you'd be wrong. The conversation was typical of a first date, but her cell phone was constantly ringing, the server got her order wrong, and at the end we had a disagreement about what an appropriate tip would be. So leaving the restaurant slightly disappointed, I walk her to her car. She hugs me. Smiles. Opens her car door. I begin to walk away. She calls out to me before getting in the car and closing the door. She leaves me with this...

"I love a man in camo."

Rose was a Sheisty Bitch

Or part II of “The Reasons Why I’m Kind of a Terrible Person.”

You guys, I really hate Titanic. And not even in a hipster ~I hate it since it’s so mainstream even though it’s exactly the same since I first heard of it 3 years ago along with 12 other people at an underground organic coffee shop/faux-vintage thrift shop~ kind of way.

I have no plans to see it in 3D unless I get word that the above scene is somehow in 3D because that would be magical… like I’m excited just thinking about it.

Let me tell you about this scene.  That poor dude could have been saved (or ya know, lived for 5 more minutes)!  Rose looked right at him like he was scum as he’s clutching his pearls and holding on for dear life! Like bitch, you were just dancing along side that dude at the hoedown two days prior.  And seriously, what the fuck, Jack! That guy was probably your third cousin or something.

Karma is an iceberg sinking your unsinkable ship. For real.

I also enjoy the scene where Rose is on the driftwood and has the nerve to say, “I’m so cold, Jack,” as he’s turning blue in the icy water. That would probably be me except, I definitely would have been one of the first bad bitches in the life boats, chilling like a mile away, saying “We should totally go back, you guys…  I forgot my mink handmuffs.  And who’s hogging the ~popped corn~?”

Annnnnnnnnd scene.