Circle, Cirle, Dot, Dot...

Since my wedding day is drawing closer, I thought I'd take the time to reminisce about my tragic first relationship.

I was lucky enough to have one of those mothers who tells her daughters that if a boy teases you that means he likes you. Yes, if you're playing on the jungle gym and little Tommy pushes you to your death, he's totally in love with you.

I actually had a Tommy push me off one of those metal spider webs in kindergarten. I knocked my chin off one of the bars, fell backwards and landed on my back in the sand. I believe I did one of those no air cries for a good 60 seconds.

Of course, I remember this day clearly even 23 years later because he was totes my first love. Duh. We had a very healthy relationship. I shared my snacks with him, and he gave me cooties. The cootie shot unfortunately wouldn't be invented for several more years.

Our relationship came to a halt during our kindergarten graduation when he refused to hold my hand during the procession. His last name being Johnson, and mine JaXXXXX, he really could never get away from me. But it was in that moment I realized he had no qualms holding skanky Ashley L.'s hand (those Ashleys and Amandas, right? there was always more than one). I was heart broken.

How dare he mooch off me for extra snacks for months! How dare he give me cooties and run out on me! You can live a completely normal life with cooties. Ride bikes. Hold hands in the park. Share a Slip 'N Slide.

Well, this tragedy was caught on tape by my parents. They were proud owners of a 50lbs VHS camcorder. I have clear, substantial evidence of the day Tommy became a player. And if I ever run into him again (or you know, stalk him down on Facebook), he will regret it.

Because I've since been cured of my cooties. I have ~circle, circle, dot, dot, now I've got my cootie shot!~ many a time, and I may or may not have gotten damn fine. And like most romantic comedies teach us, he is fat, single, and drives a cab.

So if you ever happen to be in San Diego and take a ride in Tommy Johnson's cab, give him cooties and tell him they're from me. Thanks!

Best I Ever Had

My vows to @cupcass & @drake. You probs wouldn't understand.

Before I met my boos, I was all pussy's only pussy, and I get it when I need it; asking every other hoe out there to show me a good time. But I found their lovin. I found their hearts. And now, all I see is fireworks. I'm a little bit in love.

I vow...

to only throw my ones up in the air for you.
to always keep you fancy.
to let you know, let you knoo-ow...
to miss you a little when you're gone.
to make it whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song.
to be the best you ever had.
To have and to bone, from this day forward, for better, for best, for richer, for more richer, in sickness and in health, until world tours do us part.

Time for the rings... Drizzy?